Hi, Mr. Bach!
Have you enjoyed your stay in Japan?
I believe you came to Japan at the end of July and stayed here for 3-4 weeks, right?
I’ve heard that you have stayed at the Hotel Okura, one of the most prestigious hotels in Japan. I’ve also heard that you stayed at the most expensive suite in the hotel, costing 20,000 dollars per day!
I had believed that the IOC would cover the cost of your stay. However—strangely enough—it appears that it ended up that we, the Japanese citizens, have to bear the burden.
Japanese people are very lenient and patient. So we are trying to forgive you, by saying to ourselves, “We gave money to a poor beggar.” Here, “beggar” means you, of course.
I know people in the world call you “Baron, the Rip-offer.” This nickname is inappropriate, in my opinion. “Rip-off” means to require excessive property or reward for certain goods or services. The athletes who attended the Tokyo Olympic Games have surely encouraged and entertained the Japanese citizens. However, I don’t think you’ve done anything good for us, meaning you received advantage by doing nothing. Such a person is called a beggar, by definition. Therefore, I suggest people also call you “Beggar, the Count.”
Many good restaurants are in the Hotel Okura. So I guess you might have had something nice for dinner. Sushi and tempura represent Japanese cuisine. Haven’t you had one of them? If you had informed me that you were going to stay at the Hotel Okura, I’d have cooked sashimi and brought it to you. Puffer fish is popular in Japan. The liver and ovary of puffer fish are poisonous. Previously, people often died after eating puffer fish. So in Japan, a special license is required to cook puffer fish. Although I don’t have the license and have never cooked puffer fish in my life, I’ll cook puffer fish and deliver it to you. I think you’re very healthy and unlikely to be intoxicated.
I was surprised to find that besides Tokyo, you also visited Hiroshima, though nobody asked you to do so.
Even worse, I heard that you made an absurd remark, “The Tokyo Olympic Games will bring peace to Japan and the rest of the world.”
I had believed that German people are logical, because many great philosophers, such as Hegel and Kant were born in Germany. However, I can’t understand your logic that the Tokyo Olympic Games will bring peace. It is quite evident that the Olympic Games work negatively, bringing adverse effects to the prevention of COVID-19. Some people argue that the athletes are segregated and unlikely to spread virus. The might be true to some extent. However, consider the mental effect of the Tokyo Olympics to the atmosphere of Japanese people. Young people got wild and couldn’t stay at home. Accordingly, the virus spread, and the condition worsened. I don’t understand why the explosion of infection brings about peace. Can you prove this by referring to dialectics? Nietzsche, a great philosopher of your country, died of a syphilitic brain. Do you also have the same disease?
Well, you traveled to Hiroshima. You’re a trip lover! I’m going to invite you to Shikoku when you have the opportunity. Several ways are available for you to come to Shikoku. I recommend you first come to Osaka or Kobe, then come to Shikoku by bus. I recommend this, because if you come by plane or by train, you’ll exclude other passengers and use the vehicle only for yourself, which I believe will offend many people.
If you enter Shikoku from the Kansai District, you’ll first pass through Naruto, a city in Tokushima Prefecture. Naruto is a city facing a strait at which two seas meet. Because of the difference in the heights of the tides, a vortex develops here every day. In Japan, Naruto is known as the city of the vortex. Many people visit Naruto to see the vortex. A big bridge is built on the sea, so that visitors can watch the vortex from the bridge. I believe you love vortexes, Mr. Bach, because you provoked a vortex of corona-prevalence in Japan. So, I’ll pat you on the back to let assist into the vortex. You might be able to survive.
Via Naruto, let’s go to Tokushima. In Tokushima, a dance festival is conducted every summer. This festival is viewed as the symbol of Tokushima city and its people. Not only being the symbol of the city, the festival has a great impact on Tokushima’s economy.
Despite the importance of the dance festival, last year (2020), Tokushima city had to cancel the festival to prevent the spreading of the virus. This is the first cancellation in a few hundred years, I have heard.
Since the cancellation of the festival discouraged the Tokushima citizens and damaged the local economy, Tokushima city is preparing to resume the festival this year (2021), but with a limited period and a reduced number of participants. However, I still fear that an infection explosion might occur after the festival. Oh, I should not inform you of this! You must organize a “Tokushima Festival Organization”, which is unnecessary and unwanted, become the chair of the organization, and conduct the festival on a greater scale than usual. Naturally, the infection will expand, and Tokushima city might be flooded with infected people. But, you need not worry, because after a week you will already be back in Germany, even if hospitals in Tokushima are full of patients.
A week or so after the festival, Tokushima city will receive your bill, claiming $100,000 for your (unwanted) advisory fee.
Let’s go south and enter Kochi Prefecture.
Kochi is famous for its fishery. Many fishermen live in Kochi Prefecture. They go to the Pacific Ocean to catch tuna and bonito. Japanese people love to eat these fish.
I understand that the labor of workers on these fishery ships is hard and dangerous. Fishermen place many hooks attached to long ropes to catch tuna. Placing such ropes is time-consuming and exhausting, because they are very long―usually 10 to 100 kms. Furthermore, the job is dangerous. While working on swaying ships, fishermen often get injured: while winding ropes, they might lose their fingers caught in the rope. A thick hook might pierce a shoulder.
In return for the risky and exhausting jobs, they are paid quite well. So, an urban legend says, “Debtors who can’t return the money are forced to work on tuna-ships.”
Could you work on a tuna-ship for a few years and return the Hotel-Okura fee to us, Mr. Bach?
I have heard sharks are occasionally on the hook and bite fishermen, but I believe you won’t care.
Next, let’s move up to the north and visit Ehime Prefecture.
A novel titled Bocchan (meaning “a naïve boy” in Japanese), is one of the most popular novels in Japan, although it was written about one hundred years ago.
The main character of the novel is a math teacher at a high school. He is often sneered at by the vice-president of the school and is frustrated by him. When the main character finds that the vice-president stole a teacher’s engaged lover away from him, the main character assaults the vice-president in retaliation. The main character throws raw eggs he happens to carry at the face of the vice-president.
Although I haven’t thrown raw eggs at somebody, I think it must be exciting. So, I suggest you make egg-throwing a new sport of the Olympic Games. Can you start the new sport with the next games in Paris? Before the first competition, we need to establish its rules, of course, such as the distance between the thrower and the target. To decide the appropriate distance, we need to do some rehearsal in advance. I think it is part of your responsibility to volunteer as a target. I think Mr. Suga, the current prime minister of Japan, should also stand next to you as a target, because it seems one of the very few things he is capable of doing for the Japanese citizens. How about awarding the gold medal if the thrown egg accurately hits your face and the silver medal for that of Suga? This game is not only funny to watch, but also can contribute to the rejuvenation of you two’s faces, thanks to the cosmetic ingredients of eggs. As for Suga, he can wash out his hair easily, after if it is coated with a raw egg.
The last place of your travel in Shikoku is Kagawa Prefecture, where I live.
Almost all Japanese associate Kagawa with noodles.
I think Kagawa’s noodles are surely tasty. However, Kagawa’s preference for noodles has something to do with its sad history.
Kagawa is surrounded by mountains. So, it rarely rains in Kagawa.
Though Okayama, the neighboring prefecture across the Seto-uchi inland sea claims it is always sunny, Kagawa is much sunnier than Okayama. Regarding sunny weather, Okayama is overestimated, and Kagawa is underestimated. I’m always surprised that Kagawa has incomparably less rain than in any other prefecture in Japan.
Due to its chronic semi-drought, farmers in Kagawa have had difficulty in raising rice, the most popular crop in Japan. Instead, farmers of Kagawa raised wheat, because growing it doesn’t require so much water.
On the other hand, Kagawa is suited to produce salt, because traditionally, salt has been produced by evaporating sea water under sunshine.
This climate of Kagawa ended up letting its people have excessive wheat and salt, but insufficient rice. This unique situation in Kagawa made noodles—mainly consisting of flour and salt―its most popular local food.
In other words, noodles became popular in Kagawa because it is unsuitable for agriculture.
In the past twenty years, Kagawa has become a much richer and better place to live, because of the development of an irrigation system. Nevertheless, the traditional lack of water supply has made Kagawa’s people accustomed to frugal lifestyles.
Frugality is a virtue which you, Mr. Bach, don’t have. So, I think you should learn the spirit of frugality in Kagawa.
Kagawa has beautiful mountains and beautiful seas. Thanks to the excellent natural location, there are many delicious foods in Kagawa, but unlike in Tokyo, there are few idiots who spend 500 dollars for one dinner.
People in Kagawa have down-to-earth economic feelings and rarely waste money for inessential things, which I think is a virtue. I think the virtue of Kagawa’s people has something to do with the popularity of noodles in Kagawa. Noodles are very reasonable in Kagawa. Cooked noodles at restaurants are sold for only 200 JPY or 2USD for a bowl. Since the noodle is the soul and daily food of Kagawans, they are said to evaluate prices referring to the prices of noodles.
For instance, when a Kagawan has a sushi dinner and is charged 30,000 JPY or 300USD, Kagawa people would think: “Oh, I spent 300USD for a dinner! I could have had 150 bowls of noodles for this! What a waste of money! I’ll never go to the sushi bar again!”
In essence, Kagawans have a sort of economic scale to measure value. I think having such an economic “scale” is important not to waste money.
Mr. Bach, it appears that you don’t have this sort of economic scale! Otherwise, it would be impossible that you waste, or make Japanese people waste, 25,000USD for your one-night stay at the Hotel Okura!
You are hated by ALL Japanese for your hopefully innocent, but possibly intended, waste. You must develop a down-to-earth economic sense.
What should I do to kick it into your brain? I have thought and thought.
My conclusion: You must eat noodles until the total value of the noodles reaches the money you wasted absurdly at the luxurious hotel.
A bowl of noodles is 2USD. The room charge of the luxurious room you stayed at is 25,000USD. The price is equivalent to 12,500 bowls of noodles. You should eat them. If you eat two bowls for each of breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you will eat six bowls a day. By doing this for 2083 successive days (about 5.7 years), you can achieve the great goal.
Continuation is power. I’m pretty sure that the training of 5.7 years will reorganize your wrecked ethics concerning spending.
Taking noodles every day might raise your blood pressure and blood sugar, causing a brain infarction. However, it shouldn’t worsen your brain function. After all, your brain is already devastated.
Well, I’ve explained a lot about Shikoku. I believe you should be interested in it. Can you enjoy your trip of Japan in Shikoku next time?
Shikoku is famous world-wide for a pilgrimage to eighty-eight temples. Many people visit Shikoku from abroad to share the spiritual practice.
I know you believe that you are a VIP and that security police should guard you. Shikoku has many inns to accommodate pilgrims. These inns are very reasonable. Pilgrims can stay for only 40USD a night. So, it will cost only 800USD, even if you are accompanied by 20 guards. It’s only one-thirtieth of the Okura room charge. But you will need to share the rest room and bath with your guards.
My last advice for you. You shouldn’t stay at luxurious hotels in France at the cost of French citizens, as you did in Japan.
Japanese people are patient, so they allowed you to behave practically as a beggar. However, French people might behead you with a guillotine. If not so violent, they can imprison you, as people in Les Misérables did to Jean Valjean. Jean Valjean was imprisoned for 19 years for stealing a piece of bread. 19 years’ imprisonment for a piece of bread! Then, how long should we imprison you, Mr. Bach? Suppose a piece of bread is 2.5USD. Then, the one-night charge at the Okura special room is equivalent to 10,000 pieces of bread. Mathematically, you should stay behind bars for 190,000 years.
In addition to such judicial strictness, French people have bad tongues. I gave you a new nickname, “Beggar the account.” I guess French people will present you with worse nicknames. I’m anticipating their creativity.
Anyway, we welcome you! Please visit Shikoku AT YOUR COST. I’ll present you with a purse, which I guess you probably don’t have.
